Paradise Lost, Paradise Regained
by Caje Sukarije
Summary: Aizen's feeling down. Something's missing... two fangirls try to write a stunning solution. Manga spoiler warning ch. 234 plus. AizenxOrihime crack!pairing, crack!story. Chapter 3 up! R&R!
1. THE ULTIMATE FIRST CHAPTER

**A/N:** It's the crack, yo'z. Aizen's bringing it and you're reading it! Totally crack pairing with totally crack character backstory. Rated T for certain sexual innuendo and some wrong language. Rating may increase. Purely sadistic fun! R&R plzkthx!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing in this story but Aizen's non-existent family members, the cracktasticness, and the clipboard. Everything else belongs to the wonderful Kubo-sensei, and as I intend to make no money off this whatsoever, please, no litigation.

* * *

**THE ULTIMATE FIRST CHAPTER**

Aizen Sousuke was bored. No, scratch that, he was _lonely_. Not for love or family or human affection, though. No, there was something missing since he left Soul Society.

"Gin," he moaned from his throne. Ichimaru Gin sat in the corner, playing cat's cradle with the brainless Wonderwice. "What am I missing?"

"Them big pastries Unohana used to make?" Gin teased, mouth grinning. "Kuchiki's girly zanpaku-tou? Hinamori's orgasm face?"

"No, that's not it."

"Paperwork?"

"Who would miss that?" Sousuke supported his chin with his hand and sighed. Life was getting annoying at Hueco Mundo.

"Gin, tell Kaname I want him to procure the things I most miss. He has three days."

Gin nodded with his creepy grin and walked off, leaving the great Mindless Wonder with Sousuke.

"Wonderwice, do you know what I'm missing?" Maybe even this retarded arrancar would have an answer. But the stupid being merely blew him a raspberry and babbled.

* * *

"Aizen-sama, Tousen fukutaichou has returned," Ulquiorra gurgled morosely. Tousen appeared at the door after three days of scouring the dimensions for Sousuke's needs. One arm was overflowing with packages, while the other led something on a kidou chain. Sousuke straightened up. 

"What have you brought, Kaname?" he asked excitedly.

"Well," Tousen announced proudly, "Soul Society Sake, Russian Vodka, Green tea crepes, milk tea, Sports Illustrated, and…" He pulled on the lead and a girl came forward. Sousuke whimpered in recognition.

"…Aizen-sama's youngest sister."

Even Gin's smile disappeared. The diminutive girl stood meekly, her face smudged with dirt and possibly blood.

"WHY," Sousuke demanded with a frozen smile, "did you bring _her_?"

"I thought you might miss her…"

Sousuke sighed. _Clearly_, Kaname was truly blind. And had also lost his sense of smell: Houki had brought with her the strong and suspicious stench of manure.

"Is Aizen-sama unsatisfied?"

"Kaname, please leave me alone with my nee-chan." Gin pushed Tousen and the Espada out the door. Sousuke freed his sister, who dropped to her knees.

"Sousuke-nii-sama!" she cried, probably rehearsing some barely remembered lines. "What do you wish of me?"

Sousuke clucked his tongue and tried not to breathe. Houki had been the only Aizen not to enter the shinigami academy. She was a brainless little girl, stuck in the body of an eleven-year-old.

"Houki-chan," Sousuke ordered, "I want you to take a bath. You smell like rot." Houki nodded and backed out of the doorway. Sousuke was sorely disappointed. He still felt empty. Kaname could have at least bought Penthouse instead of stupid Sports Illustrated.

But watching the girl's body recede, he realised what he was so sorely lacking, and only his new pet could help him achieve it.

* * *

"Aizen-sama, what a surprise!" cried a female arrancar who was sweeping the floor outside of Inoue Orihime's room. Sousuke had rushed to the room unannounced, eliciting jealous responses from his arrancar. Of course, he _was_ undeniably amazing, but still. 

"Menori," he said to the arrancar, "I need your assistance. How would one seduce a girl?"

"Do you mean Houki-san, Aizen-sama?"

"Why would I seduce that foul creature?"

"You could get to know her personality first," droned Ulquiorra's monotonous voice from behind him.

"…How?"

"My advice would be to search her personal items. They reveal a lot about humans, sir."

Menori looked hopeful that Sousuke would be searching _her_ personal items.

"Good thinking, Ulquiorra," Sousuke said. "Gather Orihime's personal effects and bring them to my chamber."

Ulquiorra bowed and Menori looked crestfallen. Sousuke swept out of the corridor, walking towards his own sleeping space, feeling confident that his plan would work. After the hundred years of celibacy required to double one's natural reiatsu, he would once again partake in the joys of the flesh.

* * *

"Ulquiorra-san, why are you taking my things?" Orihime sat on the sofa in her room while the Espada mournfully placed her earthly possessions into a white sack. She had been here a week and the proverbial noose of their control was beginning to tighten around her proverbial neck. At least, her inferior mind surmised this to be the case. 

"It is Aizen-sama's order," Ulquiorra deadpanned. "Do not complain."

What did Aizen want with all of her stuff, though? Was he trying to make her even more miserable? Orihime sniffled into her hands as Ulquiorra emptied the room.

* * *

"Aizen-sama, Orihime's belongings." Ulquiorra handed Sousuke the cloth sack and Gin, who sat with Sousuke on his bed, poked it with a smile. The Espada went to stand by a wall, white clipboard in hand. 

"And now we shall know everything about Inoue Orihime-chan," Sousuke chuckled. He reached into the sack and felt something soft. Pulling it out, he saw her strange school uniform. The skirt was temptingly short and he set it in a pile apart from the blazer and blouse. Next was cotton underwear in colours too cheerful for his tastes. Pink, yellow, green, yellow with blue ducks.

"Maybe she likes cute things," Gin suggested.

"Ulquiorra, take note. Also, burn these and provide her with plain white undergarments."

Ulquiorra scribbled lifelessly on his clipboard.

"Now… oh, what are these? Ha, pictures…"

Ten framed photos spilled out onto his bed. Orihime and the ryoka, Orihime and a girl with short hair, Orihime hugging a skunk like she would a cat.

"Silly girl… ah! This could prove fruitful!" Sousuke spotted a box just bigger than his hand and pulled it forth.

"Ah! What could this be?" It was covered in strange symbols, possibly a human language he had not bothered to learn. It looked nothing like Japanese.

"It's sealed," Gin noted. "Maybe you should open it."

"Is that OK? Yes, of course it is, what am I saying!" Slipping his fingers under a flimsy tab, he pried the box open. Curious, he tipped the box. What spilled out was more foreign than the writing.

* * *

**A/N:** Will Aizen achieve his sadistic goals? Will his plans be realised? And what the hell is in that foreign box? Stay tuned! 


	2. THE DISCOVERY

A/N: This is the second chapter of my heavily veiled crack! Yay! It took longer than I wanted it to, but I was having trouble uploading. Follow Sousuke and his merry accomplices on their journey to woo the clueless Inoue-san! Rated T for language (as you should expect) and some raunchy thoughts and implications in this chapter. Enjoy! R&R!

Disclaimer: I love you, Kubo-sensei. I only ever intend to lovingly abuse your characters in a non-profit way. Please don't sue, because all you'll get is lint and a safety pin.

* * *

**THE DISCOVERY**

"I know now what these are, sir," Ulquiorra began slowly after a long, silent study of the fallen objects. He picked one up. "They're suppositories."

Sousuke had to agree: they did resemble the health implements though he found they were too wide to go anywhere near his body cavities. Gin dangled one of these white "suppositories" by its string and scrutinised it.

"Could be but these fibres wouldn't like melting in yer ass," he said, seemingly amused. Sousuke had the feeling Gin was not telling all he knew.

"But they're definitely suppositories. What else looks like this, fukutaichou?" Ulquiorra deadpanned.

"I donno, but _Aizen-sama, _I think they're to soak something up."

"But to soak up _what?_" Sousuke sighed, puzzling. Ulquiorra pulled another from the pile and calmly fit it into his right nostril.

"As I suspected, Aizen-sama, they are made to stop nosebleeds," he said seriously. Sousuke had a difficult time remaining serious: the Espada looked ridiculous with a string hanging from his pale nostril.

"Looks to be it," Gin snickered.

Sousuke still was not very much convinced. He moved the box around in his hands, as if the motion would reveal the mystery of the writing. "Ulquiorra, are you sure you cannot decipher anything it shows on this box? You, who spent your youth in the human world?"

Ulquiorra took up the box and stared at the large white characters. "Ta...mu...pa...ku...su..."

"Tamupakusu?" Gin asked, still grinning.

Sousuke was very impressed. He hadn't expected the science-nut to be able to _read_ and possibly_ understand_ the language! "How did you figure that out?"

"The katakana is right above it, sir," Ulquiorra droned.

Sousuke groaned and packed the suppositories/nosebleed-inhibitors back into their carton, then threw the box into a pile. With a need for more useful information, he rummaged through the bag again, this time producing a metal can. The label read, simply, "Sweet Bean Paste".

"I ain't even gonna ask," Gin muttered. Sousuke placed the paste on the DISCARD pile.

What remained in the sack was easy enough to identify: a large lacey bra (in which a certain shinigami could certainly do well to invest), and a tube of pink lipstick.

"Good work, Ulquiorra."

"Arigatou gozaimasu, Aizen-sama," Ulquiorra said with a low bow, string still swinging on his face.

"So what are ya gonna do?" Gin asked curiously.

"Well, I will now interpret the information and create the perfect setting to seduce our guest."

"Sounds fun."

"OK, so, she wears cute, soft underwear. This means she is sensitive and cheery. She values her nakama from the photos, and wildlife. She must like social situations and cuddly things. She wears the right size of lingerie, thus showing her comfort with herself, and..."

"What about that sweet bean paste?"

"Ano... she's sweet? And she likes sweet food?"

"But why not bring pastry then? Why the _ingredient_?"

"Maybe she enjoys the act of food preparation," Ulquiorra suggested.

"You mean cooking? It seems possible," Sousuke replied.

"So you should let her cook breakfast!" Gin cooed. "It's perfect."

"Now, now, that's too dangerous. She might try to poison us. No, I shall speak with her myself tonight and decide on a course of action later."

"Your foul brain works so quick."

"Doesn't it, though?"

"Sexy."

"Very." Sousuke stood up and lifted Ulquiorra's chin so that their eyes locked. "Go find that underwear," he muttered, imposing every word on the arrancar's soul. Ulquiorra shuddered at the prospect and sauntered off.

"Now then, I shall go learn some more about my precious little pet," Sousuke announced to Gin. "You can go be creepy wherever you want, but make sure no one disturbs us."

"Hai, _Aizen-sama_," Gin replied.

Sousuke made his way purposefully down the corridor to Orihime's room and pompously unsealed and opened the door. The walls around him immediately screeched and beeped. "The door is ajar," said a robotic voice from nowhere, "the door is ajar."

"What in Hueco Mundo..."

"A-Aizen-sama?" gasped Orihime, who was sitting on the floor by the window, looking at him with surprise. Remembering her position, she bowed her head obediently.

"Orihime," he purred in his pseudo-fatherly voice, "I have come to discuss something important with you." The robotic voice continued it's raging and as he stepped over the threshold, a booming male's voice joined it.

"FREEZE INTRUDER! THIS IS BRINKS SECURITY SYSTEM! THE AUTHORITIES HAVE BEEN ALERTED! YOU HAVE THREE MINUTES TO EVACUATE THE PREMISES!"

"Oh dear," Orihime muttered, frowning. Sousuke never remembered telling Ulquiorra to install an alarm system. In fact, he had never told Ulquiorra to lock the door, come to think of it. Unable to think of a way to crush the technology at the moment, he slammed the door closed, blocking out the noise.

"Now then," he continued, sitting lazily on Orihime's oversized sofa. "Do you eat?"

Orihime looked surprised. "Yes, I do... sir."

"To be more precise, do you eat breakfast?"

"I haven't since I've been here, Aizen-sama, but usually." She avoided his ever-more-horny gaze and picked at some lint in the rug on which she sat. Sousuke watched the slim little fingers move quickly across the fibres and thought of how they would feel fluttering along his skin. He sucked in a deep breath to calm his speeding heart. One hundred years without even a copped feel was far, far too long a time.

"What do you like to eat?" he finally asked.

"Oh!" Orihime's face lit up and she straightened her torso, oversized breasts bouncing slightly. "I really like bread with sweet bean paste and wasabe and milk and coconut jelly with cinnamon and a bit of sushi..."

Sousuke should have been paying attention to her words, but was too busy watching her chest heave as she caught her breath. _Touch them_, said the inner voice he had had since childhood. _Grab one_.

"No!" Sousuke yelped, jumping out of his seat. Orihime was immediately silenced and bowed her head again. He hadn't meant to say it out loud. At any rate, he couldn't think straight and realised his hakama were becoming noticeably... bulgier.

"Orihime, go to bed. Do whatever Ulquiorra tells you to. Take your vitamins and drink lots of milk," he said quickly, prattling off random advice. He turned and rushed out of the room, once again slamming the door behind him.

Sirens began to wail in the corridor as he leaned against the door. What would he do now? It wasn't as if he could finish himself off... not since he was ten years old. But there had to be a way to calm his raging lust.

"HALT, INTRUDER! YOU HAVE NOT EXITED THE PREMISES! WE HAVE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! PREPARE TO BE VAPORISED!"

"Shut up!" Sousuke groaned, cupping his aching crotch.

"Need help?" said Gin's voice from somewhere nearby. Sousuke looked up to see his subordinate and instead found himself soaked from head to toe in icy water.

"What. Are. You. Doing?" Sousuke growled, choked by a newfound anger. Gin grinned at him.

"I thought ya might need some cooling down," he answered, swinging a large white bucket. It may have helped in easier times, but today it did nothing to ease his suffering, instead drawing more of his attention to the painful heat in his nether regions.

"You're really not helping, Gin," he muttered. Wiping his sopping face, he continued down the corridor to his quarters where he could suffer in relative peace. Clearly, winning access to his doll's privates would not be an easy matter. But for the sake of his manliness and, indeed, his existence, it was a task that needed undertaking.

* * *

BONUS (bogus) ADVENTURE OMFG!elf!!eins!!!

**ULQUIORRA LEARNS VICTORIA'S SECRET  
**

Ulquiorra looked down at the horribly pasty gigai with which Ichimaru-fukutaichou had provided him and sighed. The fact that he could even walk on this foul cement was disturbing to him. He wished to float, to glide as an Espada should. The humanoid fabrication was a sore restriction of his usually graceful movements and he wanted nothing more than to shrug off the human clothes given to him and carry out a daring mission.

But he would be naked in public and that was very much against Aizen-sama's protocol.

Sighing, he took out a mirror and removed a smudge from his tear lines. These human bodies held too much heat: it was melting the makeup right off his face. He finished by tightening his black tie and adjusting the hair under the remnants of his mask to set perfectly. With a courage-giving inhalation, he stepped into the pink and gold store to meet the stares of at least fifty human women. The one standing behind the counter flinched, her eyes wide in fear as he stalked over to her, ignoring reproachful comments.

"Kids these days," wheezed an old hag. "No respect for elders! No respect for tradition!"

"Don't even want to learn their kanji," added her companion, no less ancient.

More interesting was the disturbing array of women's underclothes on display. Mammary restraints (or as the layman calls them, "bras") and panties lined the walls and racks, dyed in glaringly bright colours. Fascinated, he picked a bright pink bra off the rack and stroked its lacy exterior with his long, pale fingers, trying to imagine what could produce such delicate material. He slung the article over his arm, promising to study it further when he returned home.

"Look at that makeup! What is that little pervert doing with the bra?" gasped a middle-aged lady there buying a bra for her flat-chested daughter.

"Mama, I wanna hug the clown," said a little girl, no more than four years old. Ulquiorra turned slowly and looked down, meeting her wide black eyes with his own equally large green ones. As he stared into her soul, she screeched loudly, and her mother bent down to pick her up.

Ulquiorra closed his eyes and sighed morosely. He continued his march to the counter and when he reached it, one of the cashiers promptly fainted. The other one faced him with a dignified - albeit wavering - pose.

"May I help you, er... sir?" she asked with a false smile.

"For your sake, I hope so," Ulquiorra deadpanned. "I would like to buy underpants... and this breast holder."

"Erm... and who will you be buying for?"

_Follow the script_, he reminded himself, _don't call her a "servant" or "Aizen-sama's lapdog"_. "My sister."

"Which colour?"

"White."

"Style?"

"Modest. Plain."

The cashier gave him a stranger look than she had earlier. "And which size, sir?"

Ulquiorra analysed the situation for a second. He attempted to size up the Inoue woman, but he had never had the opportunity to examine her, thus left without a sizing opportunity. "I will take three in every size."

"That will total ¥25,625."

Ulquiorra snailed a hand into one of the tight pockets of his dress pants and withdrew the money he had been given. He stared at the notes and coins dubiously; something was very off with the cash. While he stood in a thrall, the cashier packed the large amount of panties into a purple and white box with ribbons and eventually cleared her throat, no doubt asking for payment. He had only been provided with half the cost, however.

He looked up at her, tempted to fire a cero, though he was far too classy to be so violent. With one of his spidery hands, he grabbed the box and dropped the money down onto the glass, spinning on his heel at the same time. As he dragged his feet out of the store, the cashier called to him. "Sir, this is only half of what you owe!"

Ulquiorra walked on, ignoring the woman completely. Several customers and employees joined in to reprimand him.

"Go back and give her the rest!" the manager cried. "I'll call the police!"

"Get back here, you perverted brat!"

"Eek! Panty thief!"

"God will punish you for thievery!"

Ulquiorra reached the door and the bitter cold of the outside world. Finally, as he entered the doorway, he turned to look at the people in this forsaken store full of indecent clothing.

His frown deepened as he opened the Garganta to Hueco Mundo. He turned reptilian eyes back on the ladies. "You're all trash," he said, walking off into the twilight.


	3. WHAT THE GOVERNMENT WON'T TELL YOU

**A/N: **Well, it's here (at last). Took a while because I was busy and just plain old dried up. Things are actually going to pick up here, more hilarity is on its way. So enjoy and review plzkthx!

**Disclaimer: **Kubo owns everything but the crack. Litigation gives me hives.

* * *

**WHAT THE GOVERNMENT WON'T TELL YOU**

Sousuke sunk into the tub full of purple bubbles and sighed heavily. It was doing nothing for his painful hard on, to be sure, but the rest of his muscles were getting some time off.

"This is harder than I thought," he groaned. "Must be getting rusty."

"Aizen-sama, a man of your wisdom could never get rusty," said a deep, deadpan voice from the steamy depths of the bathroom. Sousuke cried out and jumped a bit in the water, dislodging the rubber duck he had so carefully hidden in the bubbles. He quickly pushed it back into a foamy mound and gathered his wits.

"Ulquiorra," he sighed, "just you. Good. Please report on your mission."

The Espada emerged topless from the steam, probably just freed from his gigai. _Why the hell did he enter a gigai topless?_

Ulquiorra plucked out his left eye and crushed it into the bath water. Sousuke grimaced at the idea of taking another bath later, but it was unavoidable, what with particles of eye swirling around.

"Please observe," Ulquiorra droned. Sousuke closed his eyes and the images appeared in his mind, clear as though he was seeing them himself. At the end, he stroked his chin, and hummed a little.

"So, you have procured the underwear, then?"

"Hai."

"And this, Victoria. Did you eliminate her after you found out the Secret?"

"No. She did not appear to be present. Perhaps this is a shadow organisation."

"Very good, Ulquiorra. You may join in the bath."

Ulquiorra stripped off his hakama and entered the bath with his zanpaku-tou still at his side. Sousuke made a point of closing his eyes at the first sign of stripping and only opened them when he was sure Ulquiorra had sunk far enough into the water.

"So how was your day, Ulquiorra, besides indecent?" Sousuke muttered, nonchalantly.

"It was as it usually is, Aizen-sama. Full of despair," Ulquiorra replied in his trademark monotone.

"That is comforting to hear. We could all use some despair."

"Aizen-sama, I must ask, forgive me. Was Loli not up to scratch today?"

"Not in particular. Why do you ask?"

"Because it seems she has left you unsatisfied."

"Huh?" Sousuke looked down and realised, to his horror, that the bubbles had migrated to Ulquiorra. He uncomfortably placed a hand over his... heated manly appendages and suppressed a blush.

"I will discipline her if that is your wish," Ulquiorra continued. Sousuke shook his head.

"That will not be necessary. In fact, I think I've finished my bath. You take as long as you need here, there are extra towels by the door." Sousuke stood up, hands cupping his arousal and grabbed the nearest towel to wrap around his waist. Ulquiorra made a noise and he turned, only to see the rubber ducky deflated by one black nail.

"Yes, well…" Sousuke said, clearing his throat. If that was all it took to keep Ulquiorra quiet, the duck deserved to die many horrible deaths.

"I understand, sir. Trying to understand the girl's perspective is ingenious."

Sometimes, Sousuke wanted to kiss the Spirit King for making Ulquiorra amazingly oblivious. Sousuke left the bath and walked out of the room to his own next door and banged his head against the wall upon entry.

"What the hell am I going to do?"

* * *

Orihime brushed her hair sullenly, staring at the moon outside the window. It didn't feel right to see both moon and sun in the morning. From the snoring outside the door, she could tell Ulquiorra had returned and fallen asleep there. The arrancar was endearing when he was not dealing out frightening commands.

She flattened her breasts to seem less intimidating and felt for her Shun Shun Rikka. Still there. Good.

As Orihime sat on the couch, she thought she could hear footsteps in the corridor, but put that down to her own isolation. Ulquiorra, still snoring outside, would not allow anyone down that hallway. No, she was definitely alone and would probably be for the rest of the day, save for the times Ulquiorra brought her meals.

"Oh, Kurosaki-kun," she whimpered, head in hands. "Why did I tell you I didn't need to be rescued? They don't treat me well at all!"

She began to weep, her heart devoid of hope and full of melodrama. She would never be allowed to grow up here. She would never marry the man she loved, have his children, or grow old with him. She would never do anything adult, not even give herself up for the first time, like so many girls at school had confessed to doing. She wondered how Tatsuki would grow up and was sure she would die without ever being able to say goodbye or see Tatsuki's children.

"What am I going to do?" she cried out to herself. "This is useless! I want to-"

The door slammed open and Ulquiorra stood there as alert as if he had never been asleep. "Aizen-sama has some business with you," he droned. "I suggest you hurry and perk up those ridiculously large mammaries for your meeting. You are expected in the dining hall in ten minutes." He slammed the door closed and Orihime wiped her eyes. Perk up her what? What did Aizen-san need with her in the dining room? This was turning out like every mob and horror movie she had ever seen. Strange thoughts of rituals and cannibalism stampeded through her brain.

Having adjusted herself, she knocked on the door for Ulquiorra to let her out. "Ulquiorra-san… they're not going to eat me, are they?"

Ulquiorra scoffed as though offended. "Why would they eat you?"

"Because I'd go good with miso and tempura?" she said meekly. OK, so maybe her imagination was getting out of hand; Ulquiorra never lied and she had no choice but to believe him.

"No one here would eat trash, Inoue."

Orihime almost began to cry again right there, but composed herself as they walked in to the dining room. Reaching it, Ulquiorra shoved her in and followed.

* * *

Sousuke looked up from his naughty magazine when he heard Ulquiorra's signature foot-drag. Orihime stood before him and he gulped. Her head was bowed and the Espada led her to her seat.

"Sit," Ulquiorra ordered severely. _Maybe Ulquiorra's a bit too harsh with her_, Sousuke thought. When the arrancar sat two seats away, he looked uncomfortable.

"Orihime," Sousuke said pleasantly, honeying his voice yet again. "Thank you for joining me at breakfast. The others will be here shortly, so do excuse the delay in serving. I trust you slept well."

"Hai, Aizen-sama," Orihime squeaked. Sousuke noted with dismay that she was trembling: images of a naked, sweaty, girl shuddering with pleasure flashed through his mind and he fought hard to suppress them. The rather taught-and-oh-so-large nature of her breasts first thing in the morning did nothing to help.

The female arrancar Marina came around with a steaming pot of tea, serving Sousuke first, then Ulquiorra and lastly Orihime.

"You may start the tea. We needn't wait for the rest of the family."

Orihime squirmed a little when he mentioned family. She nodded and put the cup to her lips, blowing to cool it.

"Orihime, I have a question, and I want you to answer to the best of your abilities."

Orihime nodded fervently. Sousuke smiled a little, reveling in the putty-in-his-hands vibe he got from the girl. Really, how hard could it be to get her into bed?

"What… is this?" Reaching into his obi, he pulled forth one of the white objects from the night before and held it by its thread over the table. Orihime's jaw dropped slightly and her eyes widened.

"Er… er…" she stammered, flabbergasted.

"Well? What is it, girl? Spit it out!"

"It's a… a…"

Ulquiorra lowered his head to the table and Sousuke thought he heard a sob. What was going on? Surely, as the owner of these unidentified objects, Orihime would not be so ashamed to identify it.

"It's a _t-tampon_."

"A tampon? What is the purpose of a tampon? We'd all love to hear."

And by "all", he meant it. Kaname and Gin had chosen that exact moment to enter, followed closely by the rest of the Espada and a messily dressed Houki. Sousuke had the sneaking suspicion that Gin had tried to put her neatly into the white kimono but had failed miserably. It was that, or Kaname had been in charge of dressing her. Either way produced the same disastrous result.

Orihime's lip trembled and she went red in the face as she looked around at the company. The Espada all eyed the tampon with great interest, save for Yami, who had sat and promptly gone on standby, and Grimmjow, who was trying to defeat the Fourth Aizen next to him in a strange staring match.

"I'm sorry, Aizen-sama," Orihime moaned. "I can't say it. It's too embarassing. Forgive me." She hung her head and Sousuke felt something almost like pity bubble up in his body.

"Well, why don't you whisper it to me, then?" he offered paternally, leaning over slightly. Orihime reluctantly put her lips to his ear and before he could even consider what they would feel like against other skin, she was spewing disgusting things, the vileness of which he could only before have imagined.

"It goes _where_?" he said loudly, making some of the Espada jump. Orihime repeated her explanation. Sousuke felt the blood drain from his face at her nightmarish description. "That is unacceptable," he announced at last. "I will not have you, or anyone, in possession of these things any longer. Such materials do _not_ belong in such places. Ulquiorra, when breakfast is finished, dispose of these."

"Hai, Aizen-sama," Ulquiorra responded, back in his usual stoic position. Orihime's face had gone even more pale, and she stared straight ahead at Houki, who sat across the table. Grimmjow, deciding he had lost the battle (but not yet the war), gave up and looked at Orihime with strange interest.

"Is something the matter, Grimmjow?" Sousuke said, trying to sound calm, and probably failing. Honestly, of all the Espada, Grimmjow had to be the easiest to pick on.

"No," he retorted gruffly, taking his eyes off Orihime. Sousuke's insides danced at the small triumph and he almost randomly high-fived Houki, who had plastered herself to Grimmjaw's side. The girl mewled when the Espada pushed her off him. This was getting stranger by the second.

"I think we should get to breakfast," said Gin, seated between Orihime and Ulquiorra. "What's it today, Aizen-sama?"

"Oh, I think you'll all be pleasantly surprised," Sousuke said with his trademark smile. "Melinda, the food!"

The arrancar scurried out of the room and returned pushing a cart of food, laying a plate down before each member of the party. Sousuke kept the grin fixed on his face, even when the sweet smelling food was placed before him and he caught its ghastly appearance. Everyone else, on the other hand, stared with dropped jaws, and Orihime's eyes widened gleefully.

"This," began Zaeruapolo, "is interesting..."

And so it was.

* * *

Zaeruapolo Espada with glasses, pink hair, and really cute hakama. See ch. 255.


End file.
